Post #225

Here we are, blog. At the beginning of another New Year full of unforeseen surprises and potential wonder. I can only imagine the adventures that I will report to you as my life unfolds, and how you will have to just sit here, like the abstract semi-existent location that you are and listen to it all. I've never told you this, blog, but I don't tell you the truth about my life. In fact, I edit and modify a lot of the things I do tell you so that you might not judge me too harshly. You know how your judgment hurts me, blog. Like daggers in the heart. Or a lawn dart in the knee cap. Or a tiny bit of jalapeno juice in the eye.

I think I might be buzzed. Or slightly drunk. I'm still trying to decide. Either way, the internet has become surprisingly difficult to use. This must be how senior citizens feel when they take a stab at technology.

Speaking of senior citizens, today I went to Frankenmuth to share a delicious chicken dinner with some of my extended family. My maternal grandmother (the racist one) has an especially large immediate family, and, therefore, I have been given the gift of an especially large extended family. Whose names I am only just now learning. In case you're not familiar with Michigan, Frankenmuth is a city with lots of German history and famous chicken (and fudge and taffy and indoor water parks). And we ate our chicken. And my great aunt and uncle were still puzzled over why I wasn't eating the chicken. But I don't really miss the chicken. Me and meat are done. Through. Finished. No love. The love has left the building.

My family really is comprised of nice people, despite our spontaneous lapses into racism... which really only happens to the older generations... and maybe a few of the newer ones. Okay, my family is sometimes comprised of nice people, depending on which sections of the tree you're looking at. But I feel like racism doesn't make someone a terrible person. They were probably just raised in a different time. With different ideas. And I could understand how those ideas would be hard to break.

Just like I now understand why Christians can't incorporate evolution into their religion. At all. To any degree. It's because it undermines the teachings of the bible, which seems like a "duh" kind of statement, but bare with me here. Hang on. No. Back story.

So my aunt and uncle got my sister this book as a graduation gift call "The New Answers Book" which promises to explain evolution and the creation of earth and the great flood and dinosaurs all from a creationist point of view that is "scientifically solid" (as declared by the book's back cover). I started reading it, and then began to skim it, and then just looked at the amusing little graphics that were dispersed throughout the thing. And thus, I gained a better understanding... and a good amount of amusement.

You can't believe in evolution and the bible, because the bible is always right. Always. And any disagreement or conflict with the most literal interpretations of the text completely destroys the credibility of the rest of the book. Because evolution and fossils and the age of the earth (as acknowledged in the scientific community) stomp all over Genesis, they are all wrong. And evil! You're either with the bible, or against it. There is no happy, middle-ground were rational people romp and play in peace. Only bible-land and nonbible-land.

I think "bible" should be capitalized in that last paragraph. But I'm not going to do it. Too much effort.

It's like that time junior year when Jon B. typed an entire paragraph in all caps and then explained that he wasn't shouting at the reader, he was just didn't realize caps lock was on and was too lazy to go back and fix it. And then we all laughed as Rozzy shot mind bullets at him.

Or that time the floor was lava.

... the floor is always lava.

Okay. I'm thoroughly gone. But you could have known and prevented all this if you had just called.